Dance, My Eating Disorder, and Me: Part 3
By Emma Neilson, DWC Staff Member
Medical Disclosure: Dancewear Center does not claim to have any medical expertise on any circumstances or diseases discussed. This is Emma’s personal experience and opinions. If you need help or are in a medical emergency, see the resources listed at the bottom of this post.
Trigger Warning: Eating disorders, trauma, self-harming behaviors, and sexual harassment.
If you read my previous blog posts (originally written in 2019, released in 2020, and re-released in 2022 and 2024), Dance, My Eating Disorder, and Me, Part 1 and Part 2, you have a pretty good understanding of my story up until March of 2020. My thoughts and feelings on this particularly touchy subject have developed over time with the many different things I have experienced as I have lived through the world in the last 5 years since I wrote that piece. I hope my story can help you if you are currently struggling.
Like so many others during COVID-19, I experienced a relapse with my eating disorder. My experience from 2020 through 2022 was so incredibly traumatic and scary that for many, this will be their first time hearing about my experience during this particular relapse. It has taken lots of work in therapy and in the way I carry myself in the world to be able to get to this point. If you have experienced an eating disorder, and you are not in a place to share your experiences- know that that is okay. Everybody has a different timeline, and many choose to never publicly share their story. Your story is yours and yours alone. This is mine.
In 2020, as the world was shutting down due to COVID-19, so was I. My eating disorder usually shows up during times in my life where I feel I have little to no control. At first however, this was not my experience during lockdown. At the time, having a few weeks off was a gift. I was able to cross off items on my to-do list, get some much needed rest and sleep, and engage in hobbies that I normally did not have the time for.
As my dance training switched over to virtual classes, I realized that this was my opportunity to play catch up. I was a “late starter” to ballet, only having taken my first class at 13. For my age and the path I wanted to take for my career, I was far behind dancers who were many years younger than me. Dance was the one thing that gave me structure during the months of lockdown and isolation, and I made it a priority. Throughout the 4 months I was at home, I only ever missed one day of virtual classes. As time went on, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I decided to give myself a summer intensive of my own design, and wrote out a schedule to keep myself accountable. This included dance classes of all genres, cross-training and strength training, stretching, and Physical Therapy exercises I had been given for pre-existing injuries. I also decided to complete several physical fitness and education certifications at this time. After 4 months of this, I made a HUGE leap in my strength, stamina, technique, and overall dancing ability and level. The caveat to this was because of my extreme over exercising, my appetite was being suppressed. I had lost 21% of my original body weight.
Although I felt exceptionally strong and healthy, this level of exercise and this weight was not naturally sustainable for me in the long term. I returned to the studio in the summer of 2020 and was placed in a higher level at my studio, and as I was starting to ramp up to my full-time dancing schedule, I severely injured my back. This injury was acute, and so severe that I could barely bend either forward or backwards for several months. I still am dealing with the repercussions of this particular injury now. I ended up dancing through this injury, refusing to stop taking classes and working out, because I was terrified of my body changing back to the way it was before I lost weight. As it was, many people were praising me for the way my body looked now, and my dancing had never been better, so why would I want to go back to the way I was before? It wasn’t until nearly a year later, after I finally had an MRI, that I discovered that I had several bulging discs in my back, and because of my weight loss, was showing signs of degenerative joint disease in my spine. I strongly feel that if I had not lost all that weight, and then proceeded to continue to push myself to the extreme in terms of my level of activity and diet, I would not have sustained this injury.
After a few months of dancing through it, I gradually had to reduce my activity level because of the pain that I was experiencing on a daily basis. Along with this came extreme feelings of guilt (i.e. “I should be working out/doing more”), and distress (“I will gain weight if I don’t xyz”). Still, I was convinced that this was just my new body, and my body had only changed because I was dancing so much now. I was in denial. It wasn’t until winter break of 2020, at the end of December, that I realized I was in the middle of a vicious relapse with my eating disorder. Those two weeks marked the start of my struggle with laxative abuse.
If you missed the other parts in Emma’s series you can find them here:
If you or someone you know needs help please visit https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.
For emergencies please call 911.
And for more resources you can visit our page listing local and specialized help options.
Disclaimer
All content found on the Dancewear Center Website, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, and all other relevant social media platforms including: text, images, audio, or other formats were created for informational purposes only. Offerings for continuing education credits are clearly identified and the appropriate target audience is identified. The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this Website.
If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, go to the emergency department, or call 911 immediately. Dancewear Center does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on dancewearcenter.net. Reliance on any information provided by dancewearcenter.net, Dancewear Center employees, contracted writers, or medical professionals presenting content for publication to Dancewear Center is solely at your own risk.
Links to educational content not created by Dancewear Center are taken at your own risk. Dancewear Center is not responsible for the claims of external websites and education companies.