Dancing With Anxiety
By Emily Los
Emily Los has been dancing for 7 years, primarily at Cornerstone Studio in Bellevue. She has studied Jazz, Contemporary/Lyrical and Ballet/Pointe. She has participated in Cornerstone Company (captain 2018-19), compete team and the pre-professional program. In her free time she enjoys cooking, painting and spending time with her dog, Bailey.
Medical Disclosure: Dancewear Center does not claim to have any medical expertise on any circumstances or diseases discussed. This is Emily’s personal experience and opinions. If you need help see the resources listed at the bottom of this post. If you or someone you know needs immediate medical attention, call 911.
Trigger Warning: Anxiety
Dancing with Anxiety
I was diagnosed with anxiety in 4th grade but, honestly, I know I experienced it before then. All my life I have tried to control situations and be very prepared so last-minute situations wouldn’t rattle me. It was hard for me to be spontaneous, and I worried about not living up to other people's expectations. Before I was diagnosed, I did not have the words to communicate my feelings, but now, I am learning to identify situations that cause my anxiety, and I have been given “tools” to be able to manage them. All that being said, I am still a work in progress.
At 10 years old, I signed up for a dance class at Cornerstone Studio in Bellevue. I didn’t know much about dance at the time, but I wanted a new experience. Fast forward a year, being at the studio with friends and teachers felt like a safe place. This was the start of my passion for dance. I joined the performing company, which helped me learn how to dance in front of different audiences, work in a group setting, and build relationships and life skills. It is a commitment that requires responsibility, collaboration, and accountability. This team makes me feel supported and not alone with my anxiety.
This was also my first year of Nutcracker. We started rehearsing in September and my mom and I were doing our best to manage the rehearsal calendar along with the regular class schedule. Any parent would understand, whether it is sports, school, or dancing, managing schedules can be hard and unintentional mistakes happen. Picture this: we had a performance earlier that day then a Nutcracker rehearsal that evening. It was the “in-studio dress rehearsal'' but my mom forgot to make a note on our calendar to remind us it was a dress rehearsal. We arrived 10 minutes before rehearsal started and as we pulled up to the studio, everyone was in costume with hair done up. I turned to my mom and immediately started tearing up, “Mom, it’s dress rehearsal and they are going to be so mad at me.” I felt my stomach drop and I started getting anxious and agitated. I had to go into that studio, as the only one not in costume. I was so embarrassed and stressed out because I was the only one who messed up. When I walked in the door, everyone knew how horrible I felt and they were very understanding and comforted me and told me it was okay. It took a while to get over that moment, but I will never forget the feeling I had when I knew I messed up and felt the fear and anxiety. I vowed that I would never let that happen again, so I started being over-prepared for everything. I have discovered this has its pros and cons, and I am still learning how to manage my way through situations.
Dealing with Criticism & Comparison
Like any learning environment, in dance there will be corrections, observations, and criticism directed at the dancer. This can be hard to manage, and some days are harder than others. For me, every day is different, depending on what happens before I step into the studio. Even though I tell myself to “leave it at the door”, sometimes the criticisms pile up in my head alongside thoughts about outside situations and become overwhelming. When stress and tension build up, I tend to get very quiet and try to recover from the panic and anxiety without showing any expression. It can be hard to get through class, but I don’t want to be rude and interrupt or draw attention to myself. Even though I know my teachers and classmates would understand, in the moment I feel alone and paralyzed. When I feel overwhelmed, I tend to compare myself to other dancers, thinking, “I am not good enough and I will never figure out this skill”. When there is a buildup of emotions like this, sometimes I can continue on with the class and overcome the negative thoughts, but other times my only goal is to just get through the class.
So how do I cope? I practice some of the techniques that my therapist and I work on. We discuss potential scenarios, real and/or anticipated. We walk through “worst case scenarios” and tools to handle stressful situations. Here are some examples:
Positive Intent - Imagine your dance class going well, and remember feedback comes from a place of improvement rather than criticism. I visualize myself changing the movement and executing it well, this helps me remove the feeling of judgement from the feedback.
Lock it Away - After a stressful day at school, I need a way to step into the studio with a clear and positive mindset. One of the tools I use is to imagine a container with a lock (mine is a dark wooden chest). The container can be any size, shape or color, and only you can open the lock. I put things inside when I don't want to think or worry about them for a while. I can then deal with the contents of the container when I am ready (for instance, after dance class).
“I always feel as if a weight is off my shoulders when I communicate to see if there might be a problem or miscommunication.”
Triggers within Collaboration
Being part of the Company, Compete Team, and P3 (our pre-professional program) has been an amazing life experience. The mix of responsibility, community, friendship, dependability, and fun gives me a sense of belonging and acceptance for who I am. My anxiety usually lowers when our team collaborates while rehearsing and performing. On the flip side, it can heighten when rehearsals get out of control or go in the wrong direction. It can be frustrating and nerve wracking when there’s a deadline for completing dances and cleaning up choreography. At times like this, I have to remind myself it is not my responsibility to manage the entire team, just to do my very best to manage myself and keep my anxious feelings at a lower level.
As an example, when our team is making a dance that we choreograph ourselves, it can be exciting to share our visions and bounce ideas off each other; however, it can also be difficult not to talk over one another or shoot down another person's idea. Normally, I like to help resolve misunderstandings; but my anxiety heightens when I feel I am not heard or I don't want to be rude and talk over someone else. After rehearsals like this, I tend to feel frustrated and second guess myself. Should I have taken a step back and let other people take control? Did I come off as controlling or irritating? I am still working on developing the skills to be a better teammate and collaborate productively; however, here are some examples of what I currently practice:
Practicing Self-Awareness - Being able to have a sense of where you stand in the group, how you can participate while allowing room for suggestions from others. After some rehearsals (depending on how they go) I will reflect on how I engaged with the group and if I made a negative impact towards someone specific or the whole group. I usually reach out to see if I came off in a certain way from a comment or question to clear the air and allow an open conversation. I always feel as if a weight is off my shoulders when I communicate to see if there might be a problem or miscommunication.
Encouraging Conversation & Open Communication - To bring others into the conversation and including everyone is a critical piece to open communication and collaboration. One technique I like to use to bring others into the conversation is asking, “what was your idea?” or “were you going to add something?”. This encourages more than one person to talk and keep the environment collaborative.
The Benefits of Dance in the Context of My Anxiety
Every day, I try to be intentional in my thoughts and actions. The majority of the time I am balanced and in control, but my anxiety can return quickly. I refuse to let it get in the way of something I love and want to continue throughout my life.
As I progress through my dance journey, I continue to remind myself that I am learning. I can now identify (most of) my anxiety triggers and I can use movement to cope with my anxious feelings. My dance teachers, mom, friends and the dance community give me space to be creative without judgement, which fills me up with positivity and encouragement.
Resources
Therapy has been very beneficial for me. Seeking help from a trained professional is not something to be ashamed of, and you don’t have to be diagnosed with any mental health struggles to go to therapy. I also encourage you to reach out to teachers, friends and family for help with any situations.
Mental health resources for Washington State :