Dance, My Eating Disorder, and Me: Part 2
By Emma Neilson, DWC Staff Member
Medical Disclosure: Dancewear Center does not claim to have any medical expertise on any circumstances or diseases discussed. This is Emma’s personal experience and opinions. If you need help or are in a medical emergency, see the resources listed at the bottom of this post.
Trigger Warning: Eating disorders, trauma, self-harming behaviors, and sexual harassment.
This post was originally written by Emma in 2019, shared in 2020, and re-released in 2022 and 2024. Edits have been made for clarity.
Relapse
One thing that you have to know- recovery is not linear.
After 6 months back in the community, I decided I wanted to pursue dance more seriously. I was a “late starter”, had danced purely recreationally up until now, and had taken a year off. I was far behind where I should have been considering my age. In 2019, I started auditioning for summer intensives to kickstart the next phase of my training. I applied to colleges, and was also working and dancing. The combination of this stress, the inadequacy I felt when it came to dance, and my worsening body dysmorphia built up and in the spring of 2019, I experienced my first relapse. My behaviors were worse and more extreme than they had ever been, along with some new ones thrown in the mix. I lost a shocking amount of weight over the course of 2 months.
People who were close to me all started to notice, but I played it off as just an increase in my dancing. The health care professionals I was seeing at the time informed me that something would have to change or else we would need to consider treatment again. Treatment wasn’t even an option I was considering, and I knew that if it was put on the table again, I would refuse to go voluntarily. However, deep down I knew that I needed help again. I started seeing my therapist and nutritionist more regularly. At this point in time, I was set to attend a summer intensive in two months and needed medical clearance to attend. I knew that my doctor would not clear me to go unless she was convinced that I was healthy and doing well. I did not want to go back to the hospital or to treatment, so again, I had to make a conscious decision to recover.
Dance
When my eating disorder first developed, dance played a very big role. I struggled with body dysmorphia and terrible body image. I found that I would use dance to fuel my negative thoughts and behaviors. Even so, it was very difficult for me to take a break from dance. I was scared to take a break from exercising to commit to healing my body. I was terrified of my body changing in a way that I would perceive as negative.
While my body did inevitably change, you have to heal the body first before you can heal the mind. When you are not fueling your body correctly, your brain isn’t getting the nutrients it needs to function properly. The mental aspects of this disease are easier to work through after the physical issues have been addressed.
When I returned to dance, it felt as though everything had changed. I had previously looked at it as motivation- “I have to look like XYZ because of dance”, “I can’t eat XYZ because I’m a dancer”, “I need to exercise XYZ amount of time because of dance”. In recovery, I now look at this as motivation to stay recovered. I know I have to fuel my body in order to dance to the best of my abilities. I have better coping skills, a support system, and a wealth of knowledge up my sleeve to help me on tough days.
Sometimes I think about if I were to go back in time- would I still take a year off of dance? The answer is always the same- yes. If I could go back, would I still go to treatment? Yes. If I could change my past, would I choose to let my past self go through her eating disorder? Still- yes. Even though the present me may not love where I am in my life right now, everything in my past and that I have gone through has ultimately made me into the person that I am today. And for that I am eternally grateful. I have a very unique perception of society, diet culture, and self-love that not many people have, and if I am able to influence just one person even a little bit with my story, then it has been worth it.
A Call to Action
Dance has existed for centuries, and as such, we’ve carried on outdated traditions into modern times. The perpetuation of the stereotypical “ballet” body, the excessive use of mirrors, and teachers and directors policing dancer’s bodies and food just to name a few. Just because something has existed one way for so long doesn’t mean that it can’t change. The question is, how?
First and foremost, we have to start the discussion. I feel that by avoiding the topic of food and bodies out of fear, instructors and other authoritative figures in the dance community actually cause more harm than good. By not talking about it, many young dancers remain uneducated and uninformed. With a plethora of diets and unhealthy eating information at their fingertips, it is extremely easy to start developing disordered behaviors at increasingly younger and younger ages. However, this topic does need to be approached with sensitivity. Here are some major points that I think are important to remember:
All bodies are good bodies.
Your size and your weight don’t define you or your worth as a person.
Your size and your weight don’t define you as a dancer.
People can be healthy at every size.
Eat what you want, when you want.
There is no such thing as “good” or “bad” foods. Society has just pushed this narrative onto us. Many “bad” foods when compared to “good” foods end up having the same nutrients.
Everything in moderation. This includes exercise as well!
Even at rest, you still need to fuel your body. Your brain and your organs need food to function properly, even at rest.
Everyone’s body is different and has different needs. And that’s okay!
Secondly, if you are an instructor or a studio director, I would say one of the best things you can do is to bring in experts to educate your students. Because of the way the media works, false information is everywhere and spreads like wildfire, making it nearly impossible for youths to sift out the reliable information and facts.
Thirdly, I think it is about time we as a community change the way we use mirrors in our art form. I believe that mirrors are an essential training tool, and can benefit any dancer at any level if used correctly. However, in my experience, mirrors are often used for unhealthy comparisons and to pick out flaws to the extreme. Additionally, every student at some point has heard the phrase “Stop looking at yourself in the mirror!”, and unless used as a prop, we don’t perform with mirrors. So, what would it be like if we started using mirrors less? Covered mirrors? Were taught from a young age that our reflection does not define us? If you are a teacher or a director, ask yourself what you can do to shift the focus of your students from comparisons and relying on a mirror, to dancing for themselves and tuning into their body- how their body feels when dancing, and how movement feels in their bodies.
Lastly, I want to say this to anyone who needs to hear it- there is no shame in taking a break from dance. There are so many reasons you might need to take an extended leave of absence. I know it can feel scary and you might be afraid of what will happen, but I’ll leave you with this- if you feel the need to do it, it will probably be a decision you won’t regret in the future.
If you missed the other parts in Emma’s series you can find them here:
“It can be so hard to stop or pause what we love to do, but any investment in yourself as a human is in turn an investment in yourself as a dancer.”
~Caitlin Schafte (a dear friend of mine)
If you or someone you know needs help please visit https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.
For emergencies please call 911.
And for more resources you can visit our page listing local and specialized help options.
Disclaimer
All content found on the Dancewear Center Website, Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, and all other relevant social media platforms including: text, images, audio, or other formats were created for informational purposes only. Offerings for continuing education credits are clearly identified and the appropriate target audience is identified. The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this Website.
If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, go to the emergency department, or call 911 immediately. Dancewear Center does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on dancewearcenter.net. Reliance on any information provided by dancewearcenter.net, Dancewear Center employees, contracted writers, or medical professionals presenting content for publication to Dancewear Center is solely at your own risk.
Links to educational content not created by Dancewear Center are taken at your own risk. Dancewear Center is not responsible for the claims of external websites and education companies.